an analysis of self

a dive into what makes my own brain tick. i'm suprisingly good at finding the clarity in myself to write it all down. to some extent, this may end up being somewhat a vent, and this is your warning to leave now if you are not comfortable with that.

my experience with love

this is mostly to do with my experience with romantic love. recently, some of my friends were talking about people they think are attractive and that they'd casually get with on request and i had the realisation that i dont think i'll ever be able to have a casual encounter with someone. i am cursed with caring too much and being clingy and i'll never get to experience a casual fling or 'the talking stage', whatever that really entails (i never understood the idea of the talking stage).

this all probably has something to do with the fact that i'm probably demiromantic, though i don't particularly care enough to strictly label myself anymore, but i definitely find that i don't often develop crushes unless i know the person pretty well.

either way, that realisation made me wish so badly that i could be casual about anything ever. i'm just about the most hopeless romantic i've ever met.

and as for the rest of my sexuality, i'm not even bothering trying to label whatever grey-demi-asexuality (although that could still be me unlearning all of the repression) and bisexuality i have going on. i like who i like and i can't be bothered with trying to stick microlabels on it anymore so i'm just queer and a-spec.

oh, but one more thing i really need to get off my chest regarding my sexuality: the way i feel attraction to others is inherently queer no matter what gender. can't really explain why but it just is. i feel like in a way it's somewhat linked to the queerness of my gender, and the crossover of the two just makes everything queer. oftentimes my friends will call me straight because im oriented more masculinely and mainly like women and i never have the heart to tell them that that's innacurate for like 3 different reasons (my sureness in exclusively liking women that started about 6 years ago and has only recently begun to be pulled apart is a big part of that).

labels n flags

i dont like picking labels and flags for myself because so many of them fit and i cant have that many labels for everything. my identity is so specific to me and it's much easier to just be queer, genderqueer, transmasc, aroace spec. but you know what? just for the sake of it, i'd like to try describing it.

in terms of my gender identity, i lean towards masculine. i refer to myself as a boy and under some circumstances a guy or a man, but my gender is definitely queer. i don't identify with demiboy anymore but i suppose it's sort of closest to my experience? i'm partly a guy but also sort of not but i'm not nonbinary either. i could be agender in some capacity, maybe? and maybe my gender is in some way related to the stars and stuff but thats probably more of a 'i think this is so cool i wish i was made out of the stars' kinda thing. whatever.

to me, my sexuality feels intrinsically linked to my gender. i mentioned this before but they're absolutely linked and when my friends tell me 'oh you're basically straight' they're so wrong because there's something so queer about my experience with attraction. i also am bisexual. but yeah

as for the aroace-spec thing, most of the time i'm not entirely sure when feelings are romantic or sexual, which i think has a lot to do with me being autistic- a lot of the time, i don't really know how i feel in general. i'm pretty sure i'm demisexual and demiromantic, and maybe i'm aroace-flux, i don't really know. honestly it doesn't bother me right now, i have more to worry about honestly

a sense of identity

i don't know who i am. maybe the need for complex labels and things are overcompensation for not knowing who i am in terms of the rest of my personality. recently, i have been feeling more of a connection to the stars and the machine, as i grow distant from the people around me. i genuinely think at the peak of this mindset that i was having some sort of episode but that sentiment remains, i still feel such a connection to stars and computers; two almost opposites that i somehow feel this link with. i don't know.